How to Survive Your Murder - Danielle Valentine

Alice Lawrence is the sole witness in her sister’s murder trial.

And in the year since Claire’s death, Alice’s life has completely fallen apart. Her parents have gotten divorced, she’s moved into an apartment that smells like bologna, and she is being forced to face her sister’s killer and a courtroom full of people who doubt what she saw in the corn maze a year prior.

Claire was an all-American girl, beautiful and bubbly, and a theater star. Alice was a nerd who dreamed of becoming a forensic pathologist and would rather stay at home to watch her favorite horror movies than party. Despite their differences, they were bonded by sisterhood and were each other’s best friends.

Until Claire was taken away from her.

On the first day of the murder trial, as Alice prepares to give her testimony, she is knocked out by a Sidney Prescott look-alike in the courthouse bathroom. When she wakes up, it is Halloween night a year earlier, the same day Claire was murdered. Alice has until midnight to save her sister and find the real killer before he claims another victim.

"How to Survive Reading One of the Dumbest Plots Ever"

1. suspend ALL disbelief
2. pretend like the main character didn't make all the stupidest choices
3. ignore the overbearing constant movie references that appear on eVERY SINGLE PAGE and turn basically anything even remotely serious into a farce
4. jump over plot holes
5. imagine you actually got a reasonable explanation for what happened

I have no idea how this book can have such a high rating with the amount of ridiculousness that it contains. Let's get into the details. I'll go in the order I mentioned above.

First of all, the "Sidney Prescott look-alike" that sent Alice back into the past...guess who that was? No, please guess. I myself had lots of theories (someone connected to the case from the future who wants to change it, or an alien with a personal goal, or that it was all a hallucination), but lemme tell you, the "explanation" we got (which was just one sentence where she says who she is and THAT'S IT) is the weirdest, dumbest thing ever. I'll put it in the spoiler tag.

The girl says she is an angel who wants to give her a second chance. A FREAKING ANGEL???? Then, later in the story, it turns out she is "the angel of death" and wishes for even more people to die and that's why she sent Alice back to change certain things so the killer kills more people....I mean, let's just accept that she is an angel. During the story she has "abilities" that affect other people, e.g.tripping a guy so he's late. So why bother sending a stupid teenage girl who may or may not change the course of history for a "few" deaths, when there are probably "better" ways to achieve that, like make a pilot press the wrong button and kill all the passengers or whatnot. It's too elaborate and doesn't make sense. Plus, the book is not even tagged as paranormal which I think isn't right. I didn't want this type of story, I wanted a "contemporary mystery" not a supernatural one.

Then there's Alice. For someone who watches a lot of horror movies, I don't know how she can be so reckless and naive. She even says so herself and does the stupid things anyway. For example, trusts a guy who is suspiciously always near the crime scenes, or spends most of the book going to places where the killer might be, completely alone. Instead of focusing on investigating, running from the killer, calling for help or whatever it is the situation is calling for...she is thinking about a horror movie that she's reminded of. The fact is, there are A LOT of horror movies, so basically every situation, even the most unimportant things remind her of some movie that she has to mention otherwise she would explode. Then there's the fact that it was OBVIOUS who the killer was and she didn't figure it out at all. She found out when the killer took off the mask...

That leads us to the "plot holes point." I will put this section under the spoiler tag as well because I can't explain it without ruining the ending 😅

It turns out the killer is Alice's sister Claire. The girl acted so suspicious and disappeared every time Alice was looking for the next victim. Then the murder happens and guess what? Claire reappers and "has no idea what happened." Even Scoobie Doo villains were less obvious than her. Let's get back to the point. Alice was with Claire mere seconds after she attacked the first girl and choped her arm off with a chainsaw. Delightful isn't she? Anyways, you'd think that a person would have blood on them after doing something like that. I mean, you have to be pretty close to do it and sawing someone's limb off is kind of a messy bussiness. Well, not if you're Claire. She somehow avoided having any blood on her... Moving on the plot hole no.2. The angel told Alice that if she figured out who the killer was, she'd get to "keep" this reality and any changes she made. Well, as I mentioned before, she hadn't figured out anything and the killer revealed herself but the changes to reality stayed?? By what logic??? It should have reverted back to the original timeline. 🤦🏻‍♀️

Then there's the last point. We get the barest minimum of who the "Sydney look-alike" is and why the time travel happened. Not only that, the ending gives us NOTHING. It's so unsatisfying and makes me regret reading the book even more.

Here's my final advice on how to survive reading this book:
STOP READING IT BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE